if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
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She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
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I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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