we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
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I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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