my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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