That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
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she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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