I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
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I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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