Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Follow @tfln