Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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