dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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