I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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