I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize