If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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