I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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