I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
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I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
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