who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
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The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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