you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
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Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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