I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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