he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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