Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
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The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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