So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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