Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
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Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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