i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize