i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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