Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
They have beer where we have blood.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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