You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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