I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize