he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We got so high we made milksteak
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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