DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
