just come out here and I will go home with you...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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