my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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