This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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