When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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