The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
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i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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