I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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