i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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