I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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