Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
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she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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