It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
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He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
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I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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