I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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