He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
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I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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