and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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