waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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