o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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