my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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