i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
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Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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