When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She told me I should be a condom model.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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