dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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