im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
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She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
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I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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