i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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