Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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