Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
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Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
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Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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