I smell stomach acid.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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